Missing my family

May 1998. Surigao City.

I can still vividly remember the last time I was home. It was hot and humid but everything was wonderful. The house was so serene and filled with promises of love and  togetherness. 

But I broke them.

Anyway, one reason I went home was due to an ingrown on my left toe, and my father was so concerned it would get worse that he compelled me to have it removed at a local hospital. (Just so you know, it was my third time to visit that clinic. First was when I was 10 years old...for a minor leg burn. Second was when I had a medical check up for my college admission requirement). 

The 3 days vacation was indeed the fastest time I've had in my life. I had a marvelous time with my parents, brothers and high school friends, though. We even had our 'last' picnic at a nearby beach together. While I was with them, giving up my job even crossed my mind because I felt that it would take me more than a decade to be able to visit them again. But my idealism and craving for independence reigned supreme.

Now, after almost 13 long years, I feel like I am very much alone. I am longing for their presence, attention, love and care. Especially from my mom...I just miss home. I spent my formative years in that small but developing city where some of my fondest memories have played a significant role in my life thus defining who I am now. 

Admittedly, my being emotionally miserable now is all my fault. I could have opted to visit them once in a while, but I didn't. I could have spent a little of my time with them, but I felt I was too busy for it. Though it's not too late yet but I still don't feel (which is wrong) the need to go home even for a day. I feel that I don't deserve their care and love because I have 'abandoned' them for a long time. 

I remember one of my brothers saying "Kelan ka pa uuwi pag may mawala ng isa sa amin?" Yes, those words struck me to the bone and melted my heart away...but still I couldn't find myself buying plane tickets for Surigao. I don't know why...though deep inside I know the reason very well. 

PRIDE.

I terribly miss them but the tears that I shed almost every night before I close my eyes are my own doing. I don't blame anybody for all the miseries I have now. It's all because of me...and acknowledging it sometimes makes me feel a little better. 

Reminiscing the good times I've had with my loved ones is very nostalgic. Pero hanggang yan lang muna ang kaya kong gawin! 

To my family, I am so sorry.